I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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