we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
