we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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