can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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