Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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