rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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