I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
