I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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