The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize