Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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