i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
