Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
sarcasm needs its own font
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
