ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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