i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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