hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
