Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
