Your dad touched me again.
it was like eating out sand paper
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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