4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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