I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
