me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
