Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
