god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
