i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
