so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize