U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
