so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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