So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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