ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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