I hate your face
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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