I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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