At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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