Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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