So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
