i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
