the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Who did Billy Mays play for?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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