i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
