his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
