my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
