I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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