That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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