its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
