Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
