Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
