Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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