Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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