D3 body, D1 cock
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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