I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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