just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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