Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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