is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Plan B is the new Plan A
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
