Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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