Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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