I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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