fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
