My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
