Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
