My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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