I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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