I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
