I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
